If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

****************

QUESTION:   Why did the chicken cross the road?

ANSWERS: Pat Buchanan:To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. ----------------------- The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. ------------------------------- Colonel Sanders: I missed one? ------------------------------- L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out. ------------------------------- Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens. ------------------------------- Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told! ------------------------------- Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. --------------------- Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. ------------------------------- Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. ------------------------------- Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. ------------------------------- Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability. ------------------------------- Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. ------------------------------- Ronald Reagan: What chicken? ------------------------------- Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. ------------------------------- Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? ------------------------------- Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. ------------------------------- Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. --------------------------- Bill Gates: I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book-and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system. ------------------------------- Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? ------------------------------- Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.

****************

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

  Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

  Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

  Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items."

*****************

     In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
     We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
     Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. A grizzly bear droppings have little bells in it and smell like pepper.

********************

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? "We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

*************************

 An elderly couple was sitting together watching television.   During a commercial, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"    After a long thoughtful silence and during the next commercial, the wife replied, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year.

************************

Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger--how the heck could HE know where we're going? Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

*********************

11. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
10. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
9. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's   not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
8. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon   psychologists call *E-Mail Envy.*
7. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any realwork done.
6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information   vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think   that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today   use it mostly forfun.
5. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
4. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its   actual size and influence warrant.
2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a   lot of trouble.
And the number one reason Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ: ... If you play with it too much, you go blind!

*********************

LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter
LOG OFF:  Don't add no more wood
MONITOR:  Keeping an eye on the wood stove
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Watcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time
PROMPT: Whut the mail aint in the winter time
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold in winter
SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's black fly season
BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Watcha did to the hayfields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang da dang keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifes
MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf
PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C'mon in y'all
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks
MOUSE PAD:   That hippie talk fer the rat hole

*********************

If you're concerned about business mergers, you will appreciate the following. Here are a few mergers in the making:

Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs.
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker
W. R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace
3M & goodyear: mmmGood
John Deere & Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil:   Honey, I'm Home
Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining:     Mine, All Mine
3M, J.C. Penney, Canadian Opera Company:   3 Penney Opera
Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants:   Poupon Pants
Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women:   Knott NOW!
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining: Zip Audi Do-Da
The most obvious candidates for a merger: Netscape and Yahoo. The resulting company will be called: "Net 'n' Yahoo."

*************************

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mudhole and is sinking. He calls to his friend, the chicken, to go and get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mudhole and ties some rope around the back bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mudhole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "Wait, I think I can stand over the hole & save you!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my thingie and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

*********************

IDIOTS IN THE WORKPLACE

 I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk  noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.  She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card  was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to  compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed  on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She  carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As  luck would have it, they matched.

 IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

 I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local  township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing  sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no  longer wanted them to cross there.

 IDIOTS & COMPUTERS

 My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a  large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with  their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch  banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my  terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

 IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE

 My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the  individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry,  but they only had iceberg.

 AN IDIOT'S IDIOT

 Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal  colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.  The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the  copy button each time they thought the suspect was telling a lie.  Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

*************************

Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, Age 10
When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. Matthew, Age 12
Never smart-off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. Andrew, Age 9
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. Rocky, Age 9
Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. Stephanie, Age 8
Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Rosemary, Age 7
Don't flush the toilet when your dad's in the shower. Lamar, Age 10
Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes. Carrol, Age 9
Never bug a pregnant mom. Nicholas, Age 11
Don't ever be too full for dessert. Kelly, Age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. Heather, Age 16
Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Michael, Age 14
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, Age 12
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. Alyesha, Age 13
Never try to baptize a cat. Laura, Age 13
Never spit when on a roller coaster. Scott, Age 11
Never do pranks at a police station. Sam, Age 10
Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving. Rob, Age 10
Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do. Hank, Age 12
Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. Molly, Age 11
Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. Chelsey, Age 7
Stay away from prunes. Randy, Age 9
Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. Phillip, Age 13
Forget the cake, go for the icing. Cynthia, Age 8
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Thought:
Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.

***********************

  I did not do it in a car.
  I did not do it in a bar.
  I did not do it in the dark.
  I did not do it in the park.
  I did not do it on a date.
  I did not ever fornicate.
  I did not do it at a dance.
  I did not do it in her pants.
  I did not get beyond first base.
  I did not do it in her face.
  I never did it in a bed.
  If you think that, you've been misled.
  I did not do it with a groan.
  I did not do it on the phone.
  I did not cause her dress to stain.
  I never boinked Saddam Hussein.
  I did not do it with a whip.
  I never fondled Linda Tripp.
  I never acted really silly
  With volunteers like Kathleen Willey.
  There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher,
  I chased her 'round, but could not catch her.
  No kinky stuff, not on your life
  I wouldn't, even with my wife.
  And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes
  Was paid for by my right-wing foes.
  And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
  Are just a bunch of party poopers.
  I did not ask my friends to lie.
  I did not hang them out to dry.
  I did not do it last November,
  But if I did, I don't remember.
  I did not do it in the hall.
  I could have, but I don't recall.
  I never did it in my study.
  I never did it with my dog, Buddy.
  I never did it to Sox, the cat.
  I might have-once-with Arafat.
  I never did it in a hurry.
  I never groped Ms. Betty Currie.
  There was no sex at Arlington.
  There was no sex on Air Force One.
  I might have copped a little feel
  And then endeavored to conceal.
  But never did these things so lewd,
  At least, not ever in the nude.
  These things to which I have confessed.
  They do not count, if we stayed dressed.
  It never happened with cigar.
  I never dated Mrs. Starr.
  I did not know this little sin
  Would be retold on CNN.
  I broke some rules my Mama taught me.
  I tried to hide, but now you've caught me.
  But I implore, I do beseech
  Do not condemn, do not impeach.
  I might have got a little tail
  But never, never did inhale

*****************

  Re:     Vacation Pay
  Dear Valued Employee:
  Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.
  Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
  Sincerely, Automated Payroll Processing

***************

--Why don't men have mid-life crisis's?
--They stay stuck in adolescence.
--How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
--He buys 2 cases of beer instead of just 1.
--What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
--The same reason that dogs chase cars that they have no intention of driving.
--What did God say after he created man?
--I can do better.
--*Why do men name their penis's?
--They want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all of their decisions.
--Why is it SO hard for women to find a guy who is sensitive, caring, and good looking?
--They already have boyfriends.
--What is a man's view of safe sex?
--A padded head board.
--How do men sort their laundry?
--"Filthy" and "Filthy, but Wearable"
--*How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
--4, 1 to do the screwing and 3 to listen to him brag about it.

***********************

 An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.  "Where did you get such a great bike?" asked the first. The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said "Take what you want."
 The first engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

************************

A woman desperately looking for work goes into Erwin's. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else. The woman happily excepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should start at 8:00 AM the next day.
The next day at 8:45 AM there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he show him the problem. Together they head down to the line and, sure enough, Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager starts hysterically laughing and finally after 10 minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two "test tickles."

********************

It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into heaven, you had to have had a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. So, the next day at 12:01 P.M., the first person came to the gates of heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died." "No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my half-naked wife obviously recovering from an affair. Her lover, however, must have heard me come in, and was hiding somewhere in the apartment. I immediately began searching for him. All the while my wife is yelling at me as I searched the entire place. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony, and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell off the balcony and down to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes and trees that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator.  I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces, "O.K. sir, welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the angel's surprise, it was Vernon Jordan. "Mr. Jordan, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."  Mr. Jordan said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this, I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure, so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by my finger tips on the balcony of the apartment below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course, I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I was laying there face up on the ground, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly." The angel is quietly laughing to himself as Jordan finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well, sir," the angel announces, "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Vernon enter.

A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate. The angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like on the day you died." Clinton says, "O.K., picture this.     I'm naked inside this refrigerator...."

**************************

Mr. Goldberg went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, he noticed the gorilla watching him intently. The man waved at the gorilla, the gorilla waved back. He patted his stomach and the gorilla copied him. He jumped up and down, the gorilla started jumping. He made faces, pull his hair, hopped on one foot, spun in a circle, and beat on his chest. His antics were copied exactly by the gorilla in the cage. All of a sudden the wind gusted and he got some grit in his eye. Mr. Goldberg rubbed his eye, trying to make it better. While doing so he, he stepped closer and closer to the cage. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, banged against the bars, reached out, grabbed the nearly blinded Goldberg and beat him senseless. When Mr. Goldberg came to, the zoo keeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk, he told the keeper what had happened. The zoo keeper nodded and explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means "f--- you". The explanation didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better but he accepted it. As he left he became madder and madder. He plotted his revenge. The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that the big ape liked to mimic people, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on. Next he picked up his horn and blew on it.   The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. He twirled in a circle blowing the horn. The gorilla did the same. Then Goldberg picked up his knife and waved it over his head. Again the gorilla copied it. Next he whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two. The gorilla looked at the knife in his big hairy hand, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eyelid.

**********************

A well-respected local man throws a fancy dress party - the difference is that rather than going as a superhero or whatever, you have to go dressed as an emotion. It gets to about half past ten and the party is in full swing, there's people covered in hearts who've gone as love, there's people with green contact lenses on who've gone as jealousy.   All of a sudden the front door opens, and there's two Jamaican guys standing there almost naked. One of them has a hollowed out pear which he has his willy stuck into. The other one is holding a bowl of custard between his legs with his member dangling in it. The room goes dead silent and the host comes running up.   "What the hell do you think you're playing at!" he shouts. "You're supposed to come as an emotion, not some fucking freak show!"   The first Jamaican guy looks at him, and says, "We are emotions - I'm deep in 'dis pear, and my mate is fuckin' 'dis custid!

**********************

Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black -are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything." He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away as hard, and for as long as I could." The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?" The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

********************

25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS-by O J Simpson
     24. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION
     23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE-by Ellen DeGeneres
     22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
     21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
     20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY-by Dennis Rodman
     19. THE WILD YEARS-by Al Gore
     18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
     16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
     15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
     14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
     13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
     12. EASY UNIX
     11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE
     10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
     9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
     8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
     7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
     6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER-by Art Garfunkel
     5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
     4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES-by The EPA
     3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
     2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY      and the number one World's Shortest Book:
     1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES-by Bill Clinton

*******************

She does not:  GET PMS She becomes:  HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She does not have:  A KILLER BODY She is:  TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
She is not:  A BAD COOK She is:  MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She is not:  A BAD DRIVER She is:  AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
She is not a:  PERFECT 10 She is:  NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR
She is not:  EASY She is:  HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV She is:   ATHLETICALLY BIASED
She does not get:  DRUNK She is:  ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED
You do not ask her:  TO DANCE You request a:  PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE
She is not:  A GOSSIP She is a:  VERBAL TERMINATOR
She does not:  WORK OUT TOO MUCH She is an:  ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER
She does not have:  A GREAT BUTT She is:  GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS (???)
She is not:  HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS She is:  MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
She is not:  COLD OR FRIGID She is:  THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE
She does not:  WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP She is:  COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED
She will never:  GAIN WEIGHT She will become:  A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER
She is not:  A SCREAMER OR MOANER She is:  VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She does not:  SHAVE HER LEGS She experiences:  TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION
She does not have: A HARD BODY She is:  ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE
She does not:  SUN BATHE She experiences:  SOLAR ENHANCEMENT
Her breast will never:  SAG They will:  LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD
She does not:  SHOP TOO MUCH She is:  OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS
She does not:  SNORE She is:  NASALLY REPETITIVE
She does not:  GET DRUNK She becomes:  VERBALLY DYSLEXIC
She is not:  TOO SKINNY She is:  SKELETALLY PROMINENT
She does not have:  BIG HOOTERS Her:  CUPS RUNNETH OVER

**********************

1. You haven't asked yet.
2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
3. What? And spoil my great sex life?
4. Nobody would believe me in white.
5. Because I just love hearing this question.
6. Just lucky, I guess.
7. It gives my mother something to live for.
8. My fiance is awaiting parole.
9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss America.
10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
12. It didn't seem worth a blood test.
13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
21. We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it.
22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
23. Why aren't you thin?
24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
25. (Bonus reply ... for single moms) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

*********************

A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, how old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older." The girl then asked, "Mommy how much do you weigh?" The mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up." The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now." The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.     The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver license. It's just like a report card from school. It tells you everything." Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old." The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?" The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds." "Where did you learn that?" The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex.

***************

George Washington vs. The Grand Jury

Larry Elder, Prosecutor: Please state your name and occupation, sir.
Washington: George Washington, President of the United States.
Q: Mr. Washington, you are accused of having chopped down a cherry tree.
A: Yes, sir. But first, I would like to read a statement. "I acknowledge an inappropriate act and accept full responsibility for my actions. I appear here today as a result of a politically inspired lawsuit. Beyond this, I will refuse to answer any specific questions."
Q: Now, in your previous deposition, you denied having chopped down this tree. Is that correct?
A: Well, what I said was that there "is no evidence" connecting me to that crime.
Q: But you now admit an "inappropriate" act against that tree. Yet you deny having committed perjury.
A: Well, that depends on what the definition of "is" is. When asked the question, I responded in the present tense. Now, had the question been "Had there ever been an inappropriate action taken toward that tree," that would have been different.
Q: Did you or did you not chop down that cherry tree?
A: Define "tree."
Q: Tree: According to Webster's, "a woody perennial plant with one main stem or trunk which develops many branches, usually at some height above the ground."
A: Define "chop."
Q: Mr. Washington, there is a common-sense definition of the word "chop" that I think we can agree on. So, I repeat, sir, did you ordid you not chop down that cherry tree? And I remind you, you are under oath.
A: Well, if by "chop down" you mean, did I strike the tree several times in an inappropriate fashion resulting in its falling to the ground, my answer is I have no present recollection of having delivered several chops.
Q: Did you chop the tree, Mr. Washington, one or more times, causing it to fall to the ground?
A: I refer to my earlier statement. There was, in fact, an "inappropriate" act.
Q: Did you touch, have contact with or use any object on the tree, in an inappropriate manner, causing its fall to the ground?
A: I refer to my earlier statement.
Q: Were you ever alone with the tree?
A: Well, that depends on your definition of "alone."
Q: Did you tell others that you did not chop down this tree?
A: Well, I told others that I did not deliver several chops to a cherry tree. You'll have to ask them what they thought I meant by that.
Q: So, when you told these people, do you think that they thought you had, in fact, committed an inappropriate act?
A: Well, I know that when I told them that I did not chop down the tree, I know what I meant. You'd have to ask them to find out what they thought I meant, because I know what I meant when I said it. But others might have thought I meant something different when I said what I said, but I really didn't, although they might have thought so.
Q: Did you instruct your secretary to retrieve the fallen branch?
A: Define "instruct."
Q: Did you advise, suggest or otherwise indicate to your secretary that it would be better if the tree branch had been retrieved?
A: I think I might have indicated that if the tree branch weren't available, then its non-availability would negate any retrieval. Then again, I might not have.
Q: Well, then, sir, let's try again. Did you or did you not chop down the cherry tree?
A: Define "cherry."
Q: Mr. Washington --
A: Well, is a "cherry" tree still a "cherry" tree if it has no cherries? Because I distinctly recall no such cherries on the tree in question.
Q: By that logic, Mr. Washington, a tree is no longer a tree if it has no leaves.
A: Exactly.
Q: Mr. Washington, when your lawyer submitted an affidavit by your intern, stating that you did not chop down that tree, you knew that statement to be incorrect, didn't you?
A: No, sir. I think that when she said that, she was assuming that a tree must have cherries in order for it to be, in fact, a cherry tree.As I earlier indicated, most normal people think cherries are necessary before a cherry tree could properly be called a "cherry tree." So I think that she thought that you would have thought that cherries were necessary to the definition of tree and, therefore, when she said what she said -- I didn't think what she said was wrong -- since at the time she said it, I wasn't thinking about right or wrong.
Q: Mr. Washington, is it your testimony that most normal people think that cherries are necessary for a cherry tree to remain a cherry tree?
A: Define "normal."

*********************

Dear Pal,
       Well, about this time of year I usuallu take a moment to write a few letters to my good frionds; the time when I remember all the good things and indulge myself to the extent of getting a little sentimental.
       It is a bluestery evening, but here inmy den it's cozy and comfortable. I'm sitting before a nice open firo with my typewriter, sort of half listening to the radio and slwoly sipping a nice, very dry double Martini. I only with you were here, but since you are not, the least I can do is toast your health and happiness, so, time out,old pal, while I bend my elbow to you.
       I just took the time to mix another Martini and while I was out in the kitchen, I thought of all the time I would waste this evening if I went out to mix another drink every once in a while so, I just made up a big picher of Martinies and broght it back inww ith me to I*d havr it right here besideme and wouldn't hav to waste time makeing more of them. So now im all set and here goes. Bwsides martinis are agreat drrink. For some reaon they never seme to affec me in the slightest. Can drink trm all day long. So her goss.
       The greatessts things is tje whole world is friendship. Andbelieve me pal you are the greatests pay any body everhad. So you remembre all the owell time we had togeher pal??/ the wonderful camping trisp. I#ll nevre forget the time yoi pit the gead shunnk in my sleeping bad. Haha Boy hjow we laughues didn we. Never did get the stink kout of it. Bit it was prety funnys any howh. I still laught about it once in a whole. Not so muhc as I used to tho. But what the heack & after all you still by bestt old pal,. and if a guy can't thave a luaghg on a good treu freind one in a whiel1/2waht the heck.     dam                Picth is impty so i jus wentout and ma de anotherone and is sure wisch your weer here ol pay to help me drink these maratomi becaus they are dimply deliciuous. Para me while i lif my flass to you good dhahth oncemore becasue you are then best pal i go off occurs why a pal would do dirty think lick puting a shunk in a nother pal s slepping bagg i'm damb if a kno.. That was a lousi thimg for anybodyhy todo an only a frist clas hele woul di it. Wasna adm dam bit funney. Stil stinks, Any if you a thinkinkit(s funwy your a dirty lous anasd fare as i(m concernned you can go plum to belli ans stya ther you dirty lous. To hel with you1/4 Your former friedn

*********************

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.   "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"  "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted     the paper, and pressed the start button.  "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

*********************

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Back up my hard drive?   How do I put it in reverse?
7. I just got lost in thought. It was in unfamiliar territory.
8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
9. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
12. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
13. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be   misquoted, then used against you.
15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
16. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
17. Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so   popular?
19. Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.